Lost in the Quotidian

Originally uploaded by Blue Dragonfly Girl.

I got tested for HIV on Monday morning.

Why?

Well. I was watching a presentation in one of my classes on HIV and AIDS in South Africa and I realized that the last time I was tested was in 1999, my freshman year of college.

I consider myself a pretty good girl. I don’t generally engage in risky behavior. But being pretty good is not the same thing as being perfect.

Several years ago when I had to get Plan B, no one asked me about my sexual health or my sexual history. No one said, “Well, clearly you’re getting this because you’re scared of pregnancy which indicates that you’ve had unprotected sex at least once. So, what do you think about getting tested for STIs?” And I didn’t think of it either. I filled the prescription, swallowed the pills, and was incredibly grateful when my period arrived. End of story.

In class, I listened to the horrors of the epidemic in South Africa and I realized that it was presumptuous of me to think that — just because I was a pretty good girl and I’d been in a serious, monogamous relationship for years — I didn’t have HIV. I’m good. I use protection. But, mistakes happen. And I haven’t exactly hired a private detective to investigate the sexual picadillos of previous partners.

I felt a bit nervous. Did I really think I had HIV? No. Did I have any symptoms? No. But those can take up to 10 years to show up, so that’s not much of an indicator. Was it within the realm of possibility that I had HIV? Yes. Was it a tiny, tiny, tiny possibility? Yes. But, wasn’t I still incredibly irresponsible if I didn’t find out for sure? Yes.

So I called up a clinic the next day and made an appointment. And I have to say that even the time period of waiting to make the appointment sucked. It sucks. Waiting is the most awful thing. I think that’s why I try to push these things to the back of my mind and pretend they don’t even exist. Part of why there were 9 years for me in between HIV tests is I think I was scared of re-living that first experience with it.

I hated it 9 years ago. I hated the week I had to wait before the results only to find out that they hadn’t arrived and the realization that I had another week to wait.

I hated it now. My fingers trembled as I punched in the keys. My voice wavered as I explained what I wanted an appointment for.

Driving home that night I called my boyfriend to tell him that I was getting tested in 4 (looong) days time. I didn’t really want to tell him either but I knew I had to. How could I possibly say after the fact, “Oh by the way, I don’t have HIV. I know it for sure. But I was intimate with you when I didn’t know for sure.”

Damn it, once you realize something, you can’t feign ignorance any longer.

I was surprisingly calm this Monday though. Or perhaps not. I was so sleep-deprived from school work that I wasn’t thinking right anyhow.

Seriously.

When the health form asked me what the gender of my sexual partners was I actually checked the box next to “female” even though I am – and have always been – straight.

That certainly resulted in a confusing conversation with my health care practitioner as she tried to understand certain aspects of my sexual history. I couldn’t understand why I was being asked about penetration. I kept thinking, “Duh!” until finally she said, “Have you ever been with a man?”

“Uh, yes,” I said.

“Well, all you checked off was women” she said.

Eventually she ushered me out of the office and into the lab – no doubt wondering if I perhaps needed to contemplate my sexual orientation a little further – where they drew my blood.

Even that was easy. I watched my red blood flow out my arm and into vials and chatted pleasantly with the technician.

And that was it.

Except of course for the wondering and dreadful waiting which could either be two days – or depending on how long the tests took – all through Thanksgiving break.

You know, there are all these questions that come into your mind when you’re waiting on something like this. How would this affect my life? If the tests are positive, what do I do? Will I be strong enough to keep going or will I crawl into a ball under my bed in a state of paralysis? What does this do to my relationship? Could it endure something like this? How would the experience of intimacy change? And then, children. Yes, I know there’s adoption, but I’ve always wanted to give birth to a child.

For two nights I went to bed with my heart pounding. I’d think to myself, “Rationally, there’s just such a tiny chance. You don’t have HIV. Stop worrying so much.” But then I’d continue the conversation with, “Yeah, well, maybe you do have it.” Ah, the war of the mind. I felt like I was gearing up for battle. Am I exaggerating? Perhaps, a little, but I think there’s a certain amount of bravery required just to get through these things…and bravery really isn’t an absence of fear, but going ahead and doing these terrifying things regardless of all your fear.

And so today the e-mail came. Yes, it was an e-mail but a secure message. I’d opted for it despite the risks because otherwise it meant I’d definitely have to wait until after Thanksgiving to find out the verdict.

My heart rate quickened a bit and I cursed my internet connection for being so slow.

When the words came up they were at once anticlimactic and a huge relief: “Your tests for HIV and syphilis were negative.”

Negative.

I don’t have HIV.

And I don’t have syphillis either. When the doctor asked if I wanted to get tested for that one too I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Sure. Let’s go for it.”

Phew! Now I can kick all those awful what-if questions that were plaguing me back out of my head.

I knew as soon as I signed up for testing, that I’d write about this on my blog. Why? Well, although this is so intensely personal that only my boyfriend knew I was getting tested, I’m probably not the only pretty good girl (or boy or whatever one’s gender identity happens to be) out there that needs to do this too. Because it’s better to know for certain and not just assume. Ignorance is pretty damn far from bliss in this case.